I see him everywhere. At first when he died, I cried out for him to come to me. He never did and I felt lost, alone and angry. He appeared to others in a dream, but not me. Why? Did I do something wrong? Did I not love you enough?
I felt him one day. I live in the country and had a long drive home. The day he died I was driving into the sunset. I felt him. He touched my knee. I knew it was it by the way the feeling comforted me. I know it’s weird and people don’t believe those things, but I do. I think it was his way of reassuring me that he is ok.
I had a dream one night with him in it. He came to me and told me three things. When I woke up, I couldn’t remember what they were and I was so angry at myself. I struggled all day to focus on my dream and what he told me. The next day my sister called and said she had a dream about our Grandpa. She said he told her three things: that he is at peace, that he is with his family and that he knows we are having a hard time and how people should back off a little. That’s so him. Always trying to protect us. My sister went on to say that in this dream, we were in the ICU hallway. The long, dreaded hallway to his room. The hallway i’ve grown to hate now. She said he was standing against the wall, alone. He was telling her these things but his lips were not moving. Instead, these sentences were coming out of my mouth. She said it was like I was reading his mind. I immediately told her about my dream and how I desperately tried to remember the three things he told me in my dream, with no such luck.
I don’t know about you, but I know this is my grandpa. I know his spirit or something of him is appearing to us. Most people think it’s crazy and that its just my subconscious trying to protect me and keep his memory alive. They may be right, but I need to think my way right now. I need this to keep his memory going.
I’m so afraid. I’m afraid someday that his memory will be long gone. That no one will ever remember who he was or the things he did. I want the whole world to know about my grandpa. I want to keep his flame burning ever so brightly.
Not much more to write about for now. Things have pretty much been the same. I feel as if, at any given moment, I am experiencing all “steps” for dealing with grief. Sometimes I really even wonder if this is real. There goes step one again: DENIAL. Gosh, I absolutely hate admitting that this is real life and at this given time my grandpa is really dead and gone. Thinking this makes me feel so broken. So lost and vulnerable. I hate that this is reality.
Tonight I will lie awake, like I do every night. My mind will race of all the what-ifs, should have dones, and everything in between. Tonight I will wish my another moment with my grandpa. Only in my dreams….