Another year gone by…

Two years ago today marks a day that will be forever changed. A day that will forever plague and haunt my dreams. I cannot believe that two years ago today I watched my grandpa breathe in and out his last breaths. I can still hear the shrill cries of my mother and aunt as they collapsed over his body when the nurse pronounced him dead.  The weeping and sobbing of a grown man over the phone as my aunt delivered the news to my cousin. 

It seems like it’s been an eternity since my world came crashing down, yet it seems like it was just yesterday. Two years and yet I still feel stuck. A part of me wants to bury myself and hide away from the world, while the other part of me tells me to keep pressing onward. 

I wish I could visit him. I wish he was buried so I could have an actual place to go. I sometimes feel as if he is slipping away. More so now than when he actually did slip away from this earth. I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written…life gets in the way. In February on his birthday, I took a walk in one of his favorite parks. And on that cold, wintery day, I felt him in the breeze and the trees. Telling me that he was still with me always and forever. 

I haven’t cried today…I don’t think I will but the day is not quite over. I thought for sure I would. I don’t want it to seem as if I’m moving on and getting over his death. I’ll never be over this! I will never allow my heart to accept that he is truly gone forever. It wouldn’t be fair. I can only become more accustomed to his absence. They say you never get over something like this…only learn to live without. 

I cannot believe two years ago I said my final goodbye. I know it’s not forever but it’s hard to get up each day knowing that I will never see you here on this earth again. I could really use a hug right now grandpa. Won’t you visit me tonight? 

As tears well up in my eyes, I’m reminded of your love and peace. And I know you are home. 

Until we meet again. All my love. 

-LC

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