Losing

Everyday is a battle. Every day I wake up not knowing whether or not it will be a good day. tI seems like lately I’ve been going through the motions just to get me through. I look back on each day as I lay my head down and everything is a blur. I have to function to continue moving on, but I can’t do this any longer.

I’m alive but I’m losing all my drive.

I’m losing this fight and I can’t take it anymore. I can’t bear the pain in my life. I can’t bear the thought of losing those around me. It’s been so hard even with my Grandpa, but I know this isn’t the end of loss. I hate this part of life. I hate this part of growing old. Of course I couldn’t sleep tonight because I replayed those last moments in my mind. I wish things could have turned out differently. I can’t stand the sight of seeing those I love in pain.

I wish I could take it away. I wish I could take this hurt and brokenness away from the ones I love and from my own life. I can’t. God, take this pain away. I can’t bear it any longer. I’m breaking, beyond my brokenness already.

That’s what I love about Jesus. That he takes all our pain and suffering away from us, and then some. I am saved by His Grace and His love. Lord, help me to overcome this pain.

My attitude has been so negative and critical. I don’t know where the turning point was. I never used to be this way. So much has happened in my life that I wish I could reverse and do it again. I can’t stand the person I’m allowing myself to become. I don’t want to be this way, but I’m losing. I battle against myself day after day and each day I continue to lose. I want people to see God’s love through me and see the kind of man my Grandpa was. He instilled so many great qualities and ethics into our lives.

I feel as if I’m falling apart and at any moment, I’m going to end. I can’t live my life like this. I want to get away but I don’t want to keep running. I know i’m rambling and this probably sounds crazy and as if I’m not even making sense. I wish you could see my thoughts, actions and motives. I feel as if no one understands. I know God understands my heart.

I hate the way I act towards people, especially my family. I’m not angry or upset with any of you or anything you’ve done. I’m just angry all the time and I don’t know why. I act like I’m better than others, when I know I am most certainly not. I judge people based on how they act, look and talk. Who am I to judge? Why am I acting this way? I’m not a child anymore.

Today at church, we talked about surrendering our lives and living as a living sacrifice. That’s what my dear Grandpa did. That’s exactly what I need to do. God help me day by day to allow you to control my day. I know I’m a control freak but please Lord help me to give everything to you. I can’t live my life this way. I can’t take the pain, the anger and the hurt anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore God. Please Lord help me.

Help me to overcome this battle going on inside of me. Lord, don’t let me drown in this sea of pain. Help me to live like you and be a living sacrifice to you. Help me to live the way my Grandpa did. I know he wouldn’t want us to be hurting and cry over him. I know he wants us to cling together as a family and love each other unconditionally, always. Help me to start that.

I know that I cannot escape the end. I know the end is inevitable for all. I know that someday the ones I love the most will be no more. I know that someday I will take my last breath on this earth. However, I do also know that the end is not the end. I may lose my life here on earth, but I know that when that day comes, I will meet my Grandpa and loved ones again in Heaven. I will rejoice with my Savior at last. What a glorious day that will be and I know that because He lives, I can face tomorrow.

Romans 8:38-39

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This entry was posted in Broken, Dying, End, Family, God, Grandpa, Jesus, Love, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

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