Chaos

I can use one word to describe what life has been like since my last post.

Chaos

Life has been so chaotic lately. Life is always going, going, going. I’ve been meaning to write here since I’ve had a lot on my mind and I’ve had a lot of really bad days since the last entry. My son is turning one this month (which is so crazy to think about) and I was mailing his invites to our family. I started to write one for my Grandpa and realized, “Oh, yeah…I can’t do that.” Gosh, it’s so unbelievable that he is really gone. For those of you reading this, you’re probably sick of me talking about this and constantly going back and forth. I feel like I get a couple great days and take a few steps forward, only to be hit with something that takes me miles back. It’s a lot like the patients I see at the hospital. I feel for them. They have a great few days, getting healthier and stronger, only to see them regress and move back into the ICU. I feel like that daily.

I’ve been going through the motions lately. I feel as if everything and everyone around me is moving at super speed and I cannot slow anything down. I’ve come to the realization that I cannot control anything. Life is continually happening all around us and it’s up to us to seize every moment we have. Life is precious, emotional, amazing and we only get one chance.

I’ve been keeping all of my grief and emotions inside, locked away so that only I can get to it. My husband keeps telling me I need to talk about my grief to heal. I know this is true, but I feel that if I talk about it, I will be letting go.

Letting go of him.

I don’t ever want to lose the memories I have of my dear Grandpa. He’s the only Grandpa I ever knew. I don’t want to forget his scent, his voice, his laugh or his smile. Gosh, he had the nicest smile. One of those from the corner of his mouth, almost like he was about to play a trick on someone. He was so loving.

This blog continues to be an outlet for me to vent my true feelings and for that, I thank each and every one of you that reads this. It’s like I can share my Grandpa’s memory with you and the rest of the world. I wish you could’ve met him. You would never forget him and he’d never forget you were his friend.

I’m taking each day at a time. Day by day; step by step. That’s what I tell my patients. You can’t magically resolve things overnight. They take time and as much as I hate time, right now it’s on my side.  I must make the most of every moment I’m given on this earth because someday my time on earth will run out. I cannot wait for the day I meet my Savior and am reunited with my family and friends. Until then, I will work on being “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” James 1:19

I will work on loving one another with a deep, meaningful love. I will work on not judging others and saying hateful things about others. I want my family and friends to remember me as loving all unconditional. The love that my Grandpa had for everyone, even if he just met you. I want my son to know what his Great-Grandpa was like and only his mommy can show him that same love. For each person reading this, know that God loves you and so do I.

Afterall, love is all you need.

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This entry was posted in Family, God, Grandpa, Grief, Love, Time. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Chaos

  1. Grief is so overwhelming and one of the hardest things any of us have to live through. I hope you find some more peaceful days soon.

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