Again tonight I cannot sleep. Not, though, because my mind is racing but because I am full of hope tonight.
Today was a good day. A good day in a really long time. It felt good for once to rejoice all day. I’ve been trying to draw closer to God through this whole mess and haven’t always felt near to Him. Today our pastor preached on change.
Change is inevitable. Our response isn’t.
I’ve been so caught up in change that I’ve allowed it to consume me. Consume my life. I think I’ve been having a pity party for myself because of how busy, stressed, and emotionally broken I am. I’ve lashed out on the ones I love and wouldn’t allow myself to experience joy anymore. Today I allowed God to break through the barrier that I’ve allowed to overcome me.
I know my grandpa wouldn’t want me to not move on. And I’m most certainly not moving on, just moving forward. I know he wouldn’t want me to sit around and pity myself with grief. He would want to me get up, shake it off and experience life the way he did. To its fullest! That’s the kind of man he was. The type who wouldn’t let change overcome him and be consumed with fear. He’d look change right in the eye and mow it over with his scooter. Oh yes he was a scooter man. He loved riding his mopeds. But that’s for a later time.
He wouldn’t allow change to overtake his life. He would move forward and keep on keeping on. That’s what I am going to do. I am allowing myself time still to grieve, to be stressed and just to have bad days every now and then. However, I can and will change my response to the change. Lately, as I’ve stated previously, I have been so consumed with anger that every little thing has made me blow a fuse. That’s not the type of person I want to be. When I die, I want people to remember me as a loving person. Unconditional. Just like my grandpa.
Yes I have a busy life. And yes I have days where I don’t even have a minute to breathe, but don’t we all? Why am I so privileged to act in a negative way as the result? I’m not! From here on out, I will change the way I respond to situations and others.
I want to live out my grandpa’s legacy and what better way to do that than by moving forward? I may still look back every now and then, but it will only be on memories. I will no longer let the fear of change consume me and keep a chokehold on me. I will respond with unconditional love, just the way grandpa did.