Downward Spiral

Again I sit here, typing this entry at the wee hours in the morning. It’s 1:29 my time. Again I cannot sleep because my mind races. Welcome to my life. Welcome to this nightmare.

I feel as if my life is flying by and going in a downward spiral. I feel as if time has become my own worst enemy. Why do we allow time to become masters of our lives? Of the universe? We have strict schedules and deadlines and when something goes off the course, we crash. I feel as if I am going to crash. With time always on my mind, I feel as if I will shatter at any given moment.

I hate it. I hate this stupid feeling. I hate time. My grandpa’s time ran out and I keep thinking about mine. There are so many things I want to do. Things I want to see, but time has become my worst enemy. My greatest fear.

I think i’ve always been afraid of death. Deep down. I don’t think I admitted it and still to this day, it is rare that I speak outloud about this topic. I get anxious and start to panic when I think about my time running out. Oh gosh, I can feel it already. The panic in my mind. My heart racing. Why do I let time and fear govern my life? My grandpa didn’t. He lived his life so rich and full, you’d never know his time was running out. Neither did I.

It still is so crazy to talk about him. How he used to be. Why can’t it be how he is? Why can’t he be here now? Doesn’t he know that I need him? That we all need him? I’m at a breaking point. I’m so angry all the time. It shouldn’t have happened like this. Not now. Not here.

It’s all that I think about. It’s constantly on my mind. I cannot escape from my own reality. I keep expecting something to change. Something to snap me out of this and make everything go back to normal. I know though that from this point on, nothing will ever be the same. I’m scared. I only know that as time goes on, the ones I love, will run out of time.

Hug the ones you love a little tighter. Kiss them more often. Let go of the past and of any hurt they may have caused you or someone you love. Forgive them. Tell them you love them as many times as possible, because you never know when the time is up. Yours or theirs. What I wouldn’t give for another day to share with my grandpa.

I love you grandpa. Until we meet again…

This entry was posted in Broken, Dying, Grandpa, Grief, Time. Bookmark the permalink.

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