I cannot believe my last post was more than two years ago. I thought about what I would post a million times in my head, but never returned here to detail my thoughts.
What a two years it has been. I’m still incredibly lost without my grandfather. June 2016 marked 4 long years without him.
I have experienced more tragedy than I ever thought possible. Since 2012 I’ve lost my cousin and grandpa in horrific car accidents. In 2013, I lost my Grandmother after a long battle with Alzheimer’s. The next year my cousin lost her sweet baby girl a short while after she was born. Later in 2014, my husband and I lost our sweet second child we were expecting at 10 weeks. That same November my Uncle was diagnosed with liver cancer and died in March of 2015. I just 4 short years, I have lost 6 loved ones. How in my 27 years have I lost this many close loved ones. It doesn’t seem fair.
I had been so naïve. So innocent. It is unbearable at times. I want nothing more than to give up at times. To throw in the towel and linger in my sorrow.
I’m alone in the house today. My husband and son are out and there is nothing but stillness. Last night I had a dream. A dream in which my Uncle was healthy, happy, alive. It was such a beautiful, overwhelming peace for just a few moments. I wished it were true. I wish all my loved ones were still here today.
So much has changed since I started detailing my thoughts four years ago, yet so much remains the same. My heart is still broken. Still lost. I cannot help but weep thinking of how much has changed. You know how much I despise change.
I wouldn’t have been able to survive without my trust and hope in the Lord. He has sustained me time and time again. Although there have been times where I’ve wanted to scream and shout at Him for my brokenness, it is He who has carried me through. I never thought I’d recover from the loss of my own sweet child, but I am still standing. Never moving on or forgetting, but moving forward knowing He knows what’s best. I hope each and every one of you knows the Lord. Loves Him the way He loves you. Unconditional. I still struggle with my faith. It seems easier at times to forget it. Let it go by the wayside. It’s easier to give up. However, He has not given up on you and never will.
“Holy Spirit you are welcome here. Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere. Your glory God is what our hearts long for. To be overcome by your presence Lord.”
God help me. Help me remember my loved ones. Help me to remember all the love we shared. Help me to keep them a part of me, always. Help me to always be cognizant of the time I have left on earth. Help me to make the very most of every moment you give me. Of every breath you give me. Help me to share your unconditional, overwhelming love with others. Help me to be more like you and less like me. Lord, I love you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for giving me all the years with each of my loved ones. Thank you for giving me 10 amazing weeks with my sweet child, growing inside of me. God I trust in you. And in you alone.
The world is filled with so much hatred, anger, and violence. May we hear your voice above all the noise, and be still for just a moment to appreciate the good around us.